Armed and Dangerous

Hot steamy and cold sex

After an examination, the doctor said to his patient: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?" "In fact, I do." said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty." When the doctor examined his wife a short time later he said, "Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?" "Oh, that crazy old coot'' she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August."

Horney elderly couples should be approached with extreme caution.

I interrupt this blog to bring you a commercial

My Gray Knights T-Shirt is a fashion statement for all you over 50 geezers who don't want to grow old gracefully. You don't really have to have a motorcycle either. It's available here. Send me your photo wearing it and I will post on my website.

Sell all my stuff when I die

One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately." "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked. "I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff." She looked at me intently and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?" Thanks Charlie for sending this in.

Soup To Nutz Comic Strip

Annual Nymphomaniac's Convention

A middle aged man boarded an aircraft at London’s Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him. "Hello," he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to The Annual Nymphomaniac's Convention in the United States." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for Nymphomaniacs!


Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.." "Really," he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."


Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," She said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!" "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but all my friends call me Paddy."

Baby's First Doctor's Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed," she replied... "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." I know,' she said, "I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came."

After you're retired, you can spend more time at the tatoo parlor

Harold and Maude pose with the Grim Reaper

Seat Number 23

Not many people are aware that Google has been around a long time.

Geezer Planet Wisdom

This will be a new feature on my website and blog.

The latest in geezer golf apparel

How to get rid of gray hair

There is only one known cure for gray hair. It was a mechanical device invented by a surgeon named Antoine Louis in 1792. Actually, it was a journalist named Camille Desmoulins who gave the device it's name - Guillotine.

3 new bumper stickers for sale...

Visit my GeezerShop to purchase. I now have 104 bumper stickers for sale.

Update on my health

As some of you know, I have had some health problems. My doctor wanted me to get into into an exercise program, so I said I would. He told me that it usually is better if you join with others in a program. He gave me some options and I chose a program. I decided on a walking exercise program. I am walking with a neighbor every day. I never knew walking with someone else was such an incentive. We don't talk much during the walk though. My neighbor walks about 10 feet ahead of me.

I only started this program two weeks ago. So far, I have followed her for 10 miles ....without even using my cane! I am feeling better each mile and my heart condition, my blood pressure and my back seem to be improving too! However, my pulse rate still is a little fast. Thank you all for your concern.

I'm a good BS Artist. Bumper Sticker that is.

Secrets to a long happy marriage

A old woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you"... Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"... She replies, "It's me... talking to the wine."

Use gravity to your advantage

Grandma's new wheels

Free Medical Exams

Tender Tony

Last week Miss Smith checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, a dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call. "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?..." Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I saw your ad in the yellow pages and understand you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything. I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?" He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to dial “9” for an outside line Miss Smith."

Do old geezers know how to party or what...

How do you get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, ''I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?" The farmer said, "Holy smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

Thanks Charlie.

Grandpa loves going to the park and discovering the beauty of nature.

Weapons Check

The Arizona Department of Safety Officer pulled over pick-up truck owner Mike Murray for a weapons check because of an NRA bumper sticker. When the officer approached the vehicle, the bearded old man behind the wheel handed the officer his driver's license, insurance card and concealed carry permit. The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said, "Mr. Murray, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?" The driver replied, "Yes I do officer. I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a .45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot." The officer looked at Mike and asked, "Anything else?" "Yes. I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 in the trunk." The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range and the man said he wasn't, so the officer bent over and looked into the driver's face and said "Mr. Murray, you're carrying quite a few guns. May I ask what you are afraid of?" Mike locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered, "Not a fucking thing sonny"

Nursing homes aren't that bad folks. Where do I sign?