Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spotted survivors of a ship that had just sunk. "Follow me son" the older father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise old father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
Men like these reflect an aspect of character that it seems has been largely forgotten in our culture today. Men who define their pleasure and happiness, not from what they can suck from others, but from what they can give. From how they can serve. From principle. As we honor our veterans today, let’s not forget that ultimately the best way we can honor them is to value their example of selfless service and honor in duty such that we demonstrate these in our lives. Let’s also remember that the greater context of our national heritage, dating all the way back to Colonial America, demands that we understand the greatest Example on which this nation was built.
The official male hat for the Kyrgyz people. Made of embroidered wool with a felt lining, it deflects the summer sun's rays but traps heat rising from the top of the head in the winter, making it an excellent all-season hat. Folds neatly into a flat triangle. I'll take a Yankee baseball cap anytime.
The math teacher saw that little Larry wasn't paying attention in class so she called on him and said, "Larry! What's 28 and 44?" Little Larry responded... ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"
A drunken old man walks into a rough biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man I tell you, she is one fine looking piece of ass!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad ass biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The old drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma boy and she is really good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!" At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says... "Grandpa, Go home, you're drunk."
Watermelon is everyone’s favorite summer fruit, or is it? Did you old geezers know that the Watermelon isn’t even a fruit? Yeah, neither did I. Here are some other interesting facts I learned about Watermelon guaranteed to impress fellow geezers and picnic guests.
1) Not only does it quench your thirst, it can also quench inflammation that contributes to conditions like asthma, atherosclerosis, diabetes, colon cancer, and arthritis. 2) Over 1,200 varieties of watermelon are grown worldwide. 3) Watermelon is an ideal health food because it doesn’t contain any fat or cholesterol, is high in fiber and vitamins A & C and is a good source of potassium. 4) Pink watermelon is also a source of the potent carotenoid antioxidant, lycopene. These powerful antioxidants travel through the body neutralizing free radicals. 5) Watermelon is a vegetable! It is related to cucumbers, pumpkins and squash. 6) Early explorers used watermelons as canteens. 7) Watermelon is grown in over 96 countries worldwide. 8) In China and Japan watermelon is a popular gift to bring a host. 9) In Israel and Egypt, the sweet taste of watermelon is often paired with the salty taste of feta cheese. 10) Every part of a watermelon is edible, even the seeds and rinds. 11) Watermelon consists of 92% water (hence their name) and 8% sugar.
There was two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks.... Rufus and Clarence. They lived on opposite sides of the river and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other. "Rufus!!" Clarence would shout. "You better thank yor lucky stars I cain't swim... er I'd swim this river and whup your ass!!" "Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back. "Ya’ll better thank your lucky stars that I cain't swim either or I'd swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!!" This happened every morning for twenty years. One day the Army Corps of Engineers comes along and build a bridge. Still, every morning, every day for another five years this yelling across the river goes on, even with the bridge. Finally, Mrs.Rufus had had enough. "Rufus!" she squallers one day. "I cain't take no more!! Every day for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence’s ass. Well, there's the bridge... go git em." Rufus thought for a moment, chewed his bottom lip for another moment. "Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place, "I'm gonna cross that thar bridge and I'm gonna whup Clarence's ass!!!"
He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge, looked up... turned tail and ran screaming back to the house, slammed the door, bolted the windows, grabbed the shotgun and dove under the bed!! "Rufus!" cried the misses. "I thought you wuz gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!" "I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered. "Rufus!" cried the misses. "What in tarnation is the matter?" "Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, " I went to the bridge... I stepped up on the bridge... walked halfway over the bridge… looked up..." "And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense. "And," continued Rufus, "I sawed a sign that said "Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches." He ain't never looked that big from the other side of the river!"
In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that she should bring her own grocery bag because plastic bags weren't good for the environment. The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the 'green thing' back in my day." The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. The former generation did not care enough to save our environment." He was right, that generation didn't have the green thing back then.
Back then, they returned their milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. They didn't have the green thing back then.
In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. They walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two blocks. But she was right. They didn't have the green thing back then.
Back then, they washed the baby's diapers because they didn't have the throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts - wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right, they didn't have the green thing back then.
Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house - not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief, not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by hand because they didn't have electric machines to do everything for you. When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, they didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They exercised by working so they didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right,they didn't have the green thing back then.
They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time they ad a drink of water. They refilled their writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. They didn't have the green thing back then.
Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or rode the school bus instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint. Isn't it sad that some, in other generations, lament about how wasteful the old folks were just because they didn't have the green thing back then? Thanks Gary from Boston for sharing this.
Listen up all you geezers... BABY IT'S YOU! is the original Broadway musical inspired by the true story of Florence Greenberg, a suburban housewife from New Jersey, who discovered one of the greatest girl groups of all time, The Shirelles. BABY IT'S YOU! is a nostalgic trip down memory lane with non-stop pop and rock 'n' roll classics you grew up with such as "Dedicated To The One I Love," "Duke Of Earl," "He's So Fine," "It's My Party," "Louie Louie," "Mama Said," "Shout," "Sixteen Candles," "Twist and Shout" and many more! Celebrate Florence's incredible journey from housewife to record mogul, and discover the fascinating, untold story behind your favorite songs at BABY IT'S YOU!
Visit the official website: http://babyitsyouonbroadway.com/ for more information. Enter your email address and you might even win a pair of free tickets.
This is Larry Varney, Co-Editor of BentRider Online. I just shot him an email to see if he wants to join The Gray Knights MC and buy a T-Shirt. He's a natural. Stay tuned.
A South American Scientist, from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that older people with insufficient sexual activity in their lives tend to read their e-mails with their hand still on the mouse.
There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several old monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope. The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."
An old blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go. "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "Well, I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground", he answered. "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered, "Oh that? The dog's leash goes slack!"
A middle age woman walks into her sex therapists office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened. The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesnt know, but to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesnt know, but to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesnt know; its an experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person. Anyway, the woman leaves the therapists office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husbands morning coffee.
A week later, a boy walks into the therapists office and says: "Are you the idiot who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?" "Why, yes, young man, I did.Why?" "Well, moms dead, my sisters pregnant, my ass hurts, and dads sittin' in the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..."
This was taken at my friends house in Levittown. Apparently, the mother died and my friend Joey became it's adopted mother. Funny, I kept thinking of the Michael Jackson song "Ben."
Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts and no balls, she wouldn't be in Oz. She'd be in Congress!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
My newest bumper sticker for sale. See all 96 at http://www.cafepress.com/geezershop. If you'd like to see any of these bumper stickers made into a T-Shirt, just drop me an email.
