The Class Reunion

For all you ladies over 50 I KNOW you understand... AND for those of you under 50 you WILL understand in a few years. I had prepared for it like any intelligent woman would. I went on a starvation diet the day before, knowing that all the extra weight would just melt off in 24-hours, leaving me with my sleek, trim, high-school-girl body. The last many years of careful cellulite collection would just be gone with a snap of a finger. I knew if I didn't eat a morsel on Friday, that I could probably fit into my senior formal on Saturday.

Trotting up to the attic, I pulled the gown out of the garment bag, carried it lovingly downstairs, ran my hand over the fabric, and hung it on the door. I stripped naked, looked in the mirror, sighed, and thought, "Well, okay, maybe if I shift it all to the back..." -- bodies never have pockets where you need them.

Bravely, I took the gown off the hanger, unzipped the shimmering dress and stepped gingerly into it. I struggled, twisted, turned, and pulled and I got the formal all the way up to my knees... before the zipper gave out. I was disappointed. I wanted to wear that dress with those silver platform sandals again and dance the night away. Okay, one setback was not going to spoil my mood for this affair. No way! Rolling the dress into a ball and tossing it into the corner, I turned to Plan B. The black velvet caftan. I gathered up all the goodies that I had purchased at the drug store -- the scented shower gel; the bodybuilding, and high- lighting shampoo & conditioner, and the split-end killer and shine enhancer. Soon my hair would look like that girl's in the Pantene ads.

Then the makeup -- the under eye "ain't no lines here" firming cream, the all-day face-lifting gravity -fighting moisturizer with wrinkle filler spackle; the all day "kiss me till my lips bleed, and see if this gloss will come off" lipstick, the bronzing face powder for that special glow... But first, the roll-on facial hair remover. I could feel the wrinkles shuddering in fear.

OK - time to get ready...I jumped into the steaming shower, soaped, lathered, rinsed, shaved, tweezed, buffed, scrubbed, and scoured my body to a tingling pink. I plastered my freshly scrubbed face with the anti-wrinkle, gravity fighting, "your face will look like a baby's butt" face cream. I set my hair on the hot rollers. I felt wonderful. Ready to take on the world. Or in this instance, my underwear.

With the towel firmly wrapped around my glistening body, I pulled out the black lace, tummy-tucking, cellulite-pushing, ham hock-rounding girdle, and the matching "lifting those bosoms like they're filled with helium" bra. I greased my body with the scented body lotion and began the plunge. I pulled, stretched, tugged, hiked, folded, tucked, twisted, shimmied, hopped, pushed, wiggled, snapped, shook, caterpillar crawled, and kicked.

Sweat poured off my forehead but I was done. And it didn't look bad. So I rested. A well deserved rest, too. The girdle was on my body. Bounce a quarter off my behind? It was tighter than a trampoline. Can you say, "Rubber baby buggy bumper butt?"
Okay, so I had to take baby steps, and walk sideways, and I couldn't move from my butt cheeks to my knees. But I was firm! Oh no. I had to go to the bathroom. And there wasn't a snap crotch. From now on, undies gotta have a snap crotch. I was ready to rip it open and re-stitch the crotch with Velcro, but the pain factor from past experiments was still fresh in my mind.

I quickly side stepped to the bathroom. An hour later, I had answered nature's call and repeated the struggle into the girdle. I was ready for the bra. I remembered what the saleslady said to do. I could see her glossed lips mouthing, "Do not fasten the bra in the front, and twist it around. Put the bra on the way it should be worn --- straps over the shoulders. Then bend over and gently place both breasts inside the cups." Easy if you have four hands.

But, with confidence, I put my arms into the holsters, bent over and pulled the bra down...but the boobs weren't cooperating. I'd no sooner tuck one in a cup, and while placing the other, the first would slip out. I needed a strategy.

I bounced up, and down a few times, tried to dribble them in with short bunny hops, but that didn't work. So, while bent over, I began rocking gently back and forth on my heel and toes and I set 'em to swinging. Finally, on the fourth swing, pause, and lift, I captured the gliding glands. Quickly fastening the back of the bra, I stood up for examination.

Back straight, slightly arched, I turned and faced the mirror, turning front, and then sideways. I smiled. Yes, Houston, we have lift up! My breasts were high, firm and there was cleavage! I was happy until I tried to look down. I had a chin rest. And I couldn't see my feet. I still had to put on my pantyhose, and shoes. Oh... why did I buy heels with buckles?

Then I had to pee again. I put on my sweats, fixed myself a drink, ordered pizza, and skipped the reunion.

Senior Chat by Arthur Ritis

Be sure to check out "SENIOR CHAT" by columnist Arthur Ritis on my website. http://www.pmcaregivers.com/Arthur Ritis.htm.

A modern grandma

Chocolate prevents heart attacks

I have this theory that chocolate slows down the aging process... It may not be true, but do I dare take the chance? Actually dark chocolate bars contain antioxidants as well as the compound called epicatechin, which is a member of the plant flavoniods group. These flavoniods keep cholesterol from gathering in blood vessels, reduce the risk of blood clots, and slow down the immune responses that lead to clogged arteries. So, by eating a small amount of dark chocolate daily, you may actually be reducing your risk of a heart attack.

I found a real Granny Smith apple

Perfect Eyesight

Can cold water clean dishes?

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan. After spending a great evening chatting the night away,the next morning John’s grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, ‘Are these plates clean?’ His grandfather replied, ‘They’re as clean as cold water can get em.J ust you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!’ For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates,as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, ‘Are you sure these plates are clean?’ Without looking up the old man said, ‘I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are asclean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!’ Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass. John yelled and said,‘Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car’. Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted! ‘Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!’

Old people ROCK!!

Looking Good

Even at age 88, my mother was vain about her looks.
At a party, an old friend exclaimed, "Betty, you haven't changed in 20 years." "Oh," said Mom, horrified. "I hope I didn't look like this 20 years ago."

Juggs becoming more popular than AARP Magazine

Seniors should drink plenty of fluids

Senior Wisdom

I've had this problem before but didn't handle it quite the same way. Probably works on windshields as well. Lol.

How to feel better

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished. Before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates! You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now. :-)

When I was your age...

Reincarnation

How to guess your age

Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when Grandpa Andy walked by. And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.' Old Andy said, 'There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.' One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and underpants and we can tell your exact age.' Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, Grandpa Andy dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years old!' Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the Grandpa Andy asked, 'How in the world did you guess?' slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison... 'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'

Senior Citizen Bumper Stickers For Sale

Just a plug for my Senior Citizen Bumper Stickers which are for sale on Cafepress.com. Please visit http://www.cafepress.com/geezershop. These are high quality full color bumper stickers and priced at only $4.50 each. Cafepress charges me $3.50 so I only make a buck on each one. Please pass the link on. Thanks, Mike.

The Old Rancher

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.""Okay then," said Fred, a big man almost 60 years old, as he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. It's length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing. Five minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure. "I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Fred replied. She ran out of the room.

Embarrassing Moment

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas... The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music... After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me... Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod. Senior Moment.

Giorgio Armani

What's with old people and thongs? I didn't get the memo.

Gramps has been a little crabby lately.

Senior Fashion No No's

This young girl actually gives this old geezer two thumbs up.