Watch Your Back

The SHIDUCH (Arranged Marriage)

A Hassidic family is most concerned that their 45-year-old son is unmarried. So they call a marriage broker and ask him to find their son a good wife. The broker comes over to their house and spends a long time asking questions of the son and his parents as to what they want in a wife/daughter-in-law. They give him a long shopping list of requirements. The marriage broker takes a long time looking, and finally asks to visit the family again. He then tells them of a wonderful woman he has found. He says she's just the right age for the son... She keeps a Glatt Kosher home, she regularly attends synagogue and knows the prayers by heart..., she is a wonderful cook... she loves children and wants a large family. And, to crown it all off, she's drop dead gorgeous. After hearing all this, the family is very impressed and begins to get excited about the prospects of a wedding in the near future. But the son pauses and asks inappropriately: 'Is she also good in bed?' The marriage broker answers, 'some say yes... some say no..."

The Mis-Adventures of Seniors

The Seven Dwarfs of Old Age

Which one are you? Or a combination of the above.

The new Indian Chief

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an old chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old tribal secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?' 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' 'Yes,' the man at the weather service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.' The old chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you positive that the winter is going to be very cold?' 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.' 'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked. The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.'

Legendary comedian Robert Klein (one of my favorite comedians) - star of numerous stage, screen and television programs including over 100 appearances on "The Tonight Show" will be appearing at the Comix Comedy Club in New York on November 27th & 28th. Tickets are $35-$40 and there's a dinner package available for $88. Mention promotion code "PMRK" when ordering tickets on-line or over the phone and my visitors can get a $5 discount. Call it a senior discount if you will. Thanks to Dan Wilbur over at Comix for the discount. Visit the Comix website ( http://www.comixny.com ) for all upcoming events.

All major credit cards accepted

Business as usual

Shady Pines Retirement Village

Oral maintenance for seniors

When I was younger there was a guy that would come around our neighborhood with a grinding wheel just like the one in the cartoon. I remember everyone coming down and bringing him their kitchen knives and scissors to be sharpened. The kids would gather around him also and watch intently. Brought back a lot of memories. Don't remember anyone sharpening their choppers though.

Happy Anniversary

Al and Susie are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Al says to Susie, "So, Susie, I was wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?" Susie replies, "Oh Al, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." "Yes, Susie, I really want to know. Please..." "Well, all right, 3 times..." "3, hmmm, well when were they?" "Well, Al, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan... Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked... Well..." "Oh, Susie, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me.... So when was number 2?" "Well, Al, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon wanted to touch you... Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again... Well...." "Oh my god!! Susie, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life... I couldn't have a more wonderful wife... To do such a thing, you must really love me darling... I couldn't be more moved... So, all right then, when was number 3?" "Well, Al, remember two years ago when you wanted to become president of the Golf Club and you were missing 23 votes?"

Gas Hole

Click on comic to enlarge.

Retirement

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make adifference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Sclumberg is such a person. VERY INSPIRING! I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired” Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.

Not available over the counter

I was just settling in to a barber's chair when I overheard the elderly man next to me say, "I'm not much for pills, but I am taking Gingko-Viagra. I want to remember what sex was like."

Losing Battle

My wife and I had words last night. But I didn't get a chance to use mine.

Observations on growing old

01. It's harder to tell navy from black.
02. Everything old is new again, but if you wore it before, you're too old to wear it the second time around.
03. Your kids are becoming like you---and you don't like them, but your grandchildren are perfect!
04. Yellow becomes your big color---your eyeballs, your skin, your teeth, your underwear.
05. Going out is good; coming home is even better!
06. When people say you look "Great", they add, "for your age!"
07. When you needed the discount, you paid full price.Now you get discounts on everything---movies, hotels, flights.
08. You forget names, but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you.
09. The last 2 outfits you wore had spots on them.
10. You ask your spouse or friend how your outfit looks, and they tell you the truth.
11. The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15, and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.
12. You realize you're never going to be really good at anything---especially golf.
13. Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't remember. 14.
The things you cared to do, you now don't care to do, but you care that you don't care to do them anymore.
15. Your spouse sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's called "pre-sleep".
16. Remember when your mother said "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident.
17. You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married." Now it's, "I hope they STAY married!"
18. The best place to have a conversation with your spouse is in the bathroom-- you have his/her full attention.
19. You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch; when GOOGLE, iPod, email, modem were unheard of; and when a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.
20. You use more 4-letter words---"what?"..."when?"
21. Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
22. Your spouse has a night out with the guys/gals but he/she is home by 9:00 p.m.; next week it will be 8:30 p.m.
23. You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've already read it before.
24. You notice everything they sell in clothing stores is "tight & sleeveless" for women and "tight & below the butt" for men.
25. You never heard of any of the people in People Magazine.
26. Your concealer doesn't conceal, your lipstick bleeds, your mascara clumps, and your eyebrows are disappearing.
27. You don't have hair under your arms and very little on your legs, but your chin needs to be plucked daily.
28. What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
29. Everybody whispers.
30. Now that your spouse has retired, you'd give anything if he/she would find a job.
31. You have three sizes of clothes in your closet, two of which you will never wear again.
32. But old is good in some things---old songs, old movies, and best of all---old friends! Thanks to James Reid for sending this in.

The Old Pecan Tree

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. 'One for you, one for me one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped from the tree and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.' He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. 'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.' The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard , 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.' The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.' Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.' They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

Old Guys Rule

The New Birds

A very smart grandma

During his speech at my cousin's graduation, Bill Cosby was making the point that true wisdom comes not from a classroom but from life. When he was in college, he said, his class endlessly discussed the question: Is the glass half full or half empty?
So Cosby asked his grandmother the same question. She had it all figured out: "Depends on whether you're pouring or drinking."

Older folks need more fiber in their diet otherwise...

Wheelchair World Magazine