Evil seniors

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil and the new addition - screw you!

Mid Life Crisis

Losing my marbles

A humorous story I enjoyed and wanted to share with you.
The older I get, the more I enjoy Saturday mornings. Perhaps it's the quiet solitude that comes with being the first to rise, or maybe it's the unbounded joy of not having to be at work. Either way, the first few hours of a Saturday morning are most enjoyable. A few weeks ago, I was shuffling toward the garage with a steaming cup of coffee in one hand and the morning paper in the other. What began as a typical Saturday morning turned into one of those lessons that life seems to hand you from time to time. Let me tell you about it : I turned the dial up into the phone portion of the band on my ham radio in order to listen to a Saturday morning swap net. Along the way, I came across an older sounding chap, with a tremendous signal and a golden voice. You know the kind, he sounded like he should be in the broadcasting business. He was telling whom-ever he was talking with something about 'a thousand marbles.' I was intrigued and stopped to listen to what he had to say.... ' Well, Tom, it sure sounds like you're busy with your job. I'm sure they pay you well but it's a shame you have to be away from home and your family so much. Hard to believe a young fellow should have to work sixty or seventy hours a week to make ends meet. It's too bad you missed your daughter's 'dance recital' he continued. 'Let me tell you something that has helped me keep my own priorities.' And that's when he began to explain his theory of a 'thousand marbles.'' You see, I sat down one day and did a little arithmetic. The average person lives about seventy-five years. I know, some live more and some live less, but on average, folks live about seventy-five years. 'Now then, I multiplied 75 times 52 and I came up with 3900, which is the number of Saturdays that the average person has in their entire lifetime. Now, stick with me, Tom, I'm getting to the important part.It took me until I was fifty-five years old to think about all thisin any detail', he went on, 'and by that time I had lived through over twenty-eight hundred Saturdays.' 'I got to thinking that if I lived to be seventy-five, I only had about a thousand of them left to enjoy. So I went to a toy store and bought every single marble they had. I ended up having to visit three toy stores to round up 1000 marbles I took them home and put them inside a large, clear plastic container right here in the shack next to my gear.' 'Every Saturday since then, I have taken one marble out and thrown it away. I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focused more on the really important things in life. There's nothing like watching your time here on this earth run out to help get your priorities straight .' 'Now let me tell you one last thing before I sign-off with you and take my lovely wife out for breakfast. This morning, I took the very last marble out of the container. I figure that if I make it until next Saturday then I have been given a little extra time. And the one thing we can all use is a little more time.' 'It was nice to meet you Tom, I hope you spend more time with your family, and I hope to meet you again here on the band. This is a 75 Year old Man, K9NZQ, clear and going QRT, good morning!' You could have heard a pin drop on the band when this fellow signed off. I guess he gave us all a lot to think about. I had planned to work on the antenna that morning, and then I was going to meet up with a few hams to work on the next club newsletter.Instead, I went upstairs and woke my wife up with a kiss. 'C'mon honey, I'm taking you and the kids to breakfast.' 'What brought this on?' she asked with a smile. 'Oh, nothing special, it's just been a long time since we spent a Saturday together with the kids. And hey, can we stop at a toy store while we're out? I need to buy some marbles..

Scooter on approach

Weight Loss Tip!

The biggest loser at my weight-loss club was an elderly woman.
"How'd you do it?" we asked. "Easy," she said.
"Every night I take my teeth out at six o'clock."

Nursing Home Abuse

I love you Hon.

My granddaughter asked why I called my wife Hon. "It's a term of endearment," I explained. My wife mumbled, "After more than 40 years, it's a term of endurement."

Siesta Time

Scotch with two drops of water

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.' The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.' As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'' Coming up,' says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'' Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?' The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, well... that's a whole other issue.'

The kids today!

Looking for Jesus

An old man stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The old drunk, wanting to be friendly, walks into the water bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around, overcome by the smell of booze, grabs the drunk, and asks him, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'' Yes, I certainly am' replies the drunk, so the preacher lifts him up and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the old drunk, 'Brother did you find Jesus?' The drunk replies, 'No, I surely didn't.' The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time... He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?' The drunk again answers, 'No, I mostly have not found Jesus.' By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about a minute. Well, the old drunk man begins kicking and flailing his arms and legs, and the preacher pulls him up. Then the preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God man, did you find Jesus this time?' The drunk wipes his eyes, catches his breath and says slurringly to the preacher, 'You sure this is where he fell in?

Speak a little louder sonny

Malaysian woman, 107, fears hubby No. 22 will leave her

By Saeed Ahmed (CNN) -- Afraid that her husband will leave her for a younger woman, a 107-year-old Malaysian woman is looking to marry again -- for the 23rd time. Wok Kundor: "I am an aged woman. I don't have the body nor am I a young woman who can attract anyone." Wok Kundor has been happily married for four years to her husband, a man 70 years her junior. But since he left their village in northern Terengganu state for a drug rehabilitation program in the capital, Kuala Lumpur, Wok has had a gnawing feeling. "She said that she has been feeling insecure lately and she needs to find out whether he still loves her or not," said R.S.N. Murali, a reporter for The Star. The English-language Malaysian daily was among several local media outlets reporting on the lifelong romantic. "She is worried he might not come back after his program and find himself a younger wife," Murali said. If so, Wok has her eyes set on a 50-year-old man, but hopes it does not come to that. "I realize that I am an aged woman. I don't have the body nor am I a young woman who can attract anyone," she told the newspaper. "My intention to remarry is to fill my forlornness," particularly during the Muslim month of fasting, Ramadan, she said. Malaysian media, which has previously reported on the woman, said Wok has been married 22 times. That would make her marriages last an average of four years. Wok would not discuss past relationships, Murali said. "Some of her better halves have passed away or have divorced, but she doesn't want to talk about them or her children," he said. Wok and her current husband, Mohammed Boor Che Musa, hail from the same village and met there. Muhammad, 37, was quoted in an earlier report as saying the couple fell for each other because it was "God's will." On Monday, he told The Star that he is still very much in love with his wife and cannot dream of life with someone else. But Wok wants to hear him say it, Murali said. Soon, the centenarian plans to make the journey to Kuala Lumpur -- if she can find a neighbor to drive her there.

The blind date

"How was your blind date?" "Terrible! He showed up in a 1932 Rolls-Royce." "What's so terrible about that?" "He was the original owner!."

Composure

A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles. Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy,? boy." Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, "It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here.? Hang in there,boy." At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is says, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. "You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "But, I'm Albert -- the little shit's name is Steve."? And I'm going to beat the living shit out of him when I get him home.

Smile and laugh every day! Because you can not get a medicare bond for your sense of humor.

I love leather dresses

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a an old geezer's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally??? Ever wonder why?



It's because she smells like a new golf bag ....

The Therapist

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the 30 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?' The husband thought for a moment and replied: "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."

Always put your walker in Park when unattended.

Thoughtful Husband

You know your getting old when...

Age is an ugly thing. And it gets worse!

My newest bumper sticker

You can buy this brand new full-color bumper sticker, and 51 other stickers, at my GeezerShop. http://www.cafepress.com/geezershop.

Caution!

Supergeezer

WHAT does your average great grandma in her 90s want for her birthday? Ruth Frith wants a home gym to keep up to scratch with her hammer throw and shot put. True story. Ruth is a marvel at 99, a Masters athlete who refuses to act her age. Grant Hackett has just retired as a swimming oldie of 28. Our super-senior citizen from Algester, on Brisbane's southside, is still competing. This great grandmother of 11 has already enlisted for the World Masters Games which will draw an estimated 25,000 competitors to Sydney in October next year. She is literally in a league of her own in the women's 95-99 age category in which her best throws for the discus (9.85m), hammer (11.37m) and shot put (4.72m) are all world bests. "I hold five world records but, let's be honest, I'm the only competitor in my age group," she says with a smile. "I'm the oldest competing in the world. "You have to aim high... I look at what those in their 80s are throwing and try to beat them. "Honestly, I don't know what is so magical about being 99. It's just two numbers on a piece of paper and I'm still the same freckle-faced redhead I was at 98." Full story: http://masterstrack.com/blog/005196.html

Introducing the Rock Docs - N.E.D.

N.E.D. (No Evidence of Disease) is an extraordinary new baby boomer band (and some old geezers), consisting entirely of musically talented gynecologic cancer surgeons, who have come together to play a mix of original alternative rock and folk-rock songs with the goal of raising awareness about women's cancer issues. I always say "Laughter is the best medicine," but let's not overlook the therapeutic benefits of music as well.

The band has teamed up with Motéma to record and promote a CD for release in about a week, to coincide with Gynecologic Cancer Awareness Month, and to help publicize the first annual Gynecologic Cancer Awareness Day and Race which takes place on November 8th, 2009 in Washington, D.C. Rising star producer, Mario McNulty, who has worked with David Bowie, Linkin Park and other rock bands of note was engaged to produce N.E.D.'s self-titled CD, No Evidence of Disease, in association with Motéma artist KJ Denhert. They sound really great and their official website is coming soon. I will let you guys know when it goes live.

Senior Graffiti