Just thinking out loud...

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

Cash For Geezers Program Highlights

Democrats, realizing the success of the President's "Cash For Clunkers" rebate program, have revamped a major portion of their National Health Care Plan. President Obama, Speaker Pelosi, and Sen. Reid are expected to make this major announcement at a joint news conference later this week. I have obtained an advanced copy of the proposal which is named ... "CASH FOR GEEZERS" and it works like this: Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a child will be required to turn in one old person. The amount the government grants them will be fixed according to a sliding scale. Older and more prescription dependent geezers will garner the highest amounts. Special "Bonuses" will be paid for those submitting geezers in targeted groups, such as smokers, alcohol drinkers, persons 10 pounds over their government prescribed weight, and any member of the Republican Party. Smaller bonuses will be given for geezers who consume beef, soda, fried foods, potato chips, lattes, whole milk, dairy products, bacon, Brussel sprouts, or Girl Scout Cookies. All geezers will be rendered totally useless via toxic injection. This will insure that they are not secretly resold or their body parts harvested to keep other geezers in repair. Run my old friend, Run! And remember you heard it here first... RUN, MY OLD FRIEND, RUN!!!

Senior Personal Ads

Some 'Senior' personal ads seen in Florida newspapers: (Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?) Submitted by James Reid.

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well

Static Electricity

Grandkids

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5.. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I
mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we
alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her
grandfather's word processor. She told him she was
writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her
colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out
something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says
I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a
public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote:
"The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The
teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't
you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means
carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to
their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close."They use
the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived.
"Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

Raising The Dead

An elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you & I will heal you." The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin. With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."

Here Lies Pa

The Last Wish

A man was on his deathbed. With a pitiful gasp, he managed to whisper to his wife, "I have one last request, my dear."
"Of course", she replied, clutching his hand.
"Six months after I die, I would like you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob!"
"I do."

Not much left in the retirement account.

Flotation Devices

Please deposit 5 cents for an additional three minutes.

The Evolution of Dance

This is a must see video for any of you baby boomers. Over 124 million hits on YouTube. Jud Laipply takes us back in time to enjoy all the crazy dances we did growing up.

My next life.

I want to live my next life backwards! You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat. Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day. When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks. When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're too young to work. So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party. As you get even younger, you become a kid again. You go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities. In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy. You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on-tap. Until finally... You finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case.

I'm still young.

I'm 81... but that's only 27 Celsius.

Another Ponzi Scheme

Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.

Handicapped Parking Spot

Beware the prune juice smoothie!

Seen it all. Done it all. Just don't remember it all!

Like father like son

Old people ROCK!!

Be careful where you pee.

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic Garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady... "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!" "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with my big hedge clipper, and each time someone starts to do his business through the bushes, I put up the hedge clippers and say: $20 or off it comes!" "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."

Middle Age poem

My birthday present

My wife gave me an SUV for my 70th birthday yesterday. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

Why I fired my secretary.

Last week was my 60th birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.' I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! 'It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!' We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.' After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'. And I just sat there... On the couch... Naked.

If my body was a car...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it -- Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires. CASH FOR CLUNKERS... I QUALIFY - How about You? c2003 Linda S Amstutz. Visit Linda's Blog - http://anotherlinda.blogspot.com/

Be sure to marry a woman with small hands.

My grandmother died in the 60's, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk... Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grand motherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13. We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. 'And always remember this thing,' she said. 'Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.' 'How come, Grandma?' I asked her. She answered in her soft Irish voice, 'Makes your dick look bigger.' ...Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Sexy Senior Citizen

Just thinking out loud...

What I've learned in life is that the people you care most about are taken away from you way too soon... and the one's you hate never seem to go away. Carry on.

We're confused enough at our age... don't make it worse!!

The mailman's last day on the job.

It was the mailmans last day on the job after 35 years of carring the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighorhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a fine box of cigars. The folks at the third house presented him with a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a very beautiful woman in a revealing negiligee. She took him by the hand, and gently led through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming hot coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill under his cup, all this is too wonderful for words, he said, but what is the dollar for. Well she said, I told my husband today was your last day and that we should do something special for you, I asked him what to give you. He said, "Screw him give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Life is good!

Yeah - check out the rack on that Longhorn! Yeeeehawwww....

Who wants to live to 100?

When my grandmother was in her late nineties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints -- this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tireder and slower, etc., etc., etc. He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?" My grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, ... "Anyone who's 99."

Aaah! Divine intervention.

Editors note: I just want to know who the bastard was that cropped this photo.

The old geezer pleaser.

Some Baby Boomers going boom!!

Granny feelin' a little frisky today

For you old golfers out there

A father, son and grandfather went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away, and asked the trio whether she could join them. Naturally, the guys all agreed. Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, and consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots." With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to hit first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent over to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said.The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little." After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the pin. The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly." The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even a soft seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt." She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie. Having the honors, she hit first on the second hole, knocked the hell out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away, smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting par or less on every hole. When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.... If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strathmill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner, and then show him a very good time for the rest of the night.." The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup." The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb, "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup." The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up, handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart." The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?" OLD AGE AND WISDOM WILL OVERCOME SKILL EVERY TIME!!!

Thanks to Charlie Brazda for sending that one in. For you non-golfers, the term "gimme" applies to a shot that the other players agree can count automatically. This is usually done when the ball is right next to the hole, and is a time saving measure. The non-putting player gives the putting player a gimme, and the putting player just assumes the ball would have gone in.

The AMA has weighed in on the new Health Care Incentives from the Obama Admininstration...

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception, and the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. The Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!' Oncologists fear it's malignant, while Osteopaths see it as holistic. The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter." The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

Is this a medical expense or a computer expense?

Now you can ENJOY a Colonoscopy in the privacy of your own home just by plugging one end into your computer's USB port and the other end into the ol' poop chute. Watch your monitor to see what's up! A handy polyp guide is included. Will the wonders of technology never cease?

Words to live by

I woke up feeling pretty good today and then someone sent me this..

Eddie Haskell, The Beaver and Wally! OMG, Am I really that old? Sent in my Charley Brazda. Do ya think the Beaver dyes his hair?

It's a downhill battle.

Pimp My Walker

And so it goes, Old Age really sucks, and one has to be philosophical and poetic to survive. Humor is the only defense, the alchemy which can magically turn tragedy into comedy. "Pimp My Walker" is brimming with 60 Haiku poems that celebrate the cardinal aspects of growing old, softened only with hilariously appropriate illustrations. Mike Slosberg is an ageing novelist, playwright and cartoonist. This is his fourth published book. Mike writes Haiku instead of doing crosswords, putting boats in bottles, and lamenting his age. More Info: http://bunkerhillpublishing.com/Books/pimpmywalker.htm

Silence is golden.

Two retired gentlemen are out ice fishing at their favorite spot, sitting quietly and drinking beer. Whispering, so as to not scare the fish, Bob says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over two months now." Earl continues sipping his beer, then thoughtfully replies, "You'd really better think it over, Bob. A good women like that is hard to find."

Well, isn't that precious?

Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South. When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me." The elderly lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?" The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz." Again, the elderly lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?" The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third Child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet again, the little old Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?" The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" "My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady." Charm school!" the first woman cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?" The little elderly Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The 8 Sexiest Senior Citizens

You old geezers might enjoy this link sent to me by Kristine Gasbarre, Celebrity Editor of YourTango.com Celebrity Love. When you think of the word "sexy" you probably conjure media-friendly images that include smooth skin, shiny hair and a tight body, all in a package whose expiration date is in the second half of this millennium. But, glossy magazine pages and summer blockbusters aside, young people don't have a monopoly on sexiness. Read more: http://www.yourtango.com/200931238/sexiest-senior-citizens

The 100 year old man.

An old man turned 100 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty young woman of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them." Are these your grandkids?" the reporter asked, somewhat suspicious." Naw, sir, they all be my younguns," the old man replied with a sly grin." Your kids?" said the reporter. "What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?" "Naw, sir," said the old man. "She's my wife." "Your wife?" said the surprised reporter." But she can't be more than 19 years old!" "That's right," said the old man with pride." Well, surely you can't have a sex life with you being 100 and she being only 19," the reporter remarked." Yes, sir," said the old man. "We have sex every night. Each night two of my boys helps me on her, and every morning six of my boys helps me off." "Wait just a minute," said the newspaperman, confused. "Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?" "Because," the old man said, shaking a balled fist, "I fights 'em!"

Life is like a box of granola. Fruits, flakes and nuts.

This one is a one Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

Geriatric Pop Music Critics

In the back booth of Sulimay's Restaurant in Philadelphia, you'll regularly find three saucy old-timers. Between them, they've lived almost 100 years in Philadelphia's Fishtown, but these three aren't just fixtures of the neighborhood diner scene. Ann Bailey, Bill Able and Joe Walker have become surprisingly popular — as pop music critics. As Walker, 84, explains, "It is the music of the age — it is the music of the young people. And it's what they're going to remember years from now, with nostalgia. I don't know how, because it really doesn't appeal to me. But I try to listen to it and give an honest review." Watch some of the episodes: http://woodshopfilms.com/index.php/breakfast-at-sulimays

You think he's telling the truth?

How to avoid the flu

Take the doctor's approach. Think about it... When you go for a shot, what do they do first? They clean your arm with alcohol... Why? Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS. So....

I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona . (fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary. (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio. (fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh. (eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)

The way I see it... If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you! Like my grandmother always said, "A shot in the glass is better than one in the a**!"

You know you're really getting old when...

This is a story by David McClure from the Dallas News Community Opinion page.

$5.37. That’s what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, “It’s OK. I’ll just give you the senior citizen discount.” I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. “Only $4.68″ he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet – a mere child! Senior citizen? I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Emo. Was he blind?

As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me? I’ll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile. Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler? “Dude! Can’t get too far without your car keys, eh?” I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. “Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!” I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn’t turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That’s when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard. Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found. I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nailpolish. All I could think was, “What is the world coming to?” All I could say was, “Did I leave my food and drink in here?” At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits. Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, “I think you left this in my truck by mistake.” I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized. She offered these kind words: “It’s OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time.” All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I’m not too old to be driving this fast. As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky. The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

Out with the new... In with the old!

Gotta Dance The Movie captures the adventures of the first-ever senior citizen hip hop dance team for the New Jersey Nets Basketball Team, from auditions through to center court stardom. Visit http://www.gottadancethemovie.com/ for more information.